One of the things that attracted me to blogging was what I perceived as the blissful anonymity. I liked the idea of having somewhere I could speak freely, say anything I wanted, free of the constraints of being 'me'. I adopted my online name and off I went.
Of course, that's not how it has worked out, and for a number of reasons. Even if you adopt an anonymous identity, you are still yourself and the longer you blog, the more invested you become in your online identity. And where there are people, there is no absolute freedom to 'say anything'. There are always consequences for the things we say. It is simply a question of what those consequences are and whether we are prepared to live with them.
Amongst the stuff I've produced online, I've posted things I've regretted. I've given reviews of books that have been both too harsh and too kind. I've made comments that are probably snarky at times. At other times, I've pulled my punches when I ought not to have. I've posted comments too quickly. I've posted comments that don't properly express my views and that I've had to go back and clarify. I've had to make apologies at times.
I've discovered a number of things about myself.
I've realised that I care a lot about what people think about that 'inner me', the anonymised real-life-me. And I find I want to be honest about things - who I am, what my views are - often painfully honest. I find I want to correct misapprehensions. I find that I want to be viewed as reasonable and ethical.
Does this suggest that my sense of self - and sense of responsibility for that self - go beyond my name and circumstances; that it is more inherent than I had appreciated? Alternatively, by adopting an online name and founding my own blog, did I put in place the parameters of a 'self' that in fact did away with the 'benefits' of anonymity?
Another thing that's surprised me is that my personality - that 'real me' - keeps coming through, over and over. For example, I've got a tendancy to be outwardly very positive and cheerful, no matter how I may feel in myself. I had fondly imagined that I could leave that behind me in my online life, but of course, I can't. I do online just what I do in real life. I paste a smile on my face and say everything is fine even when I'm having a crappy day. Because that is who I am.
When I started blogging I saw it as an escape. It's not really turned out that way. Yes, it's valuable to me, but far from giving me the freedom to 'say anything', it's made me appreciate - more profoundly than I did before - that you own what you say.
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18 comments:
Great post! I wish it had gone up before I did my links post this morning.
I realized within the first few months that I should not expect ANYTHING I do or say on my blog, or online, to stay secret, so everything IO do and say online I would own in real life. It's more honest and much easier to live with.
I have written maybe 4 really snarky reviews -- one just yesterday --, and god help me, I could not write those reviews any other way. I had to be honest about how the books made me feel, just as I am honest when a book makes me feel good. I have no problem saying these things directly to the authors.
The illusion that the blog (or twitter) is a space to talk about work or family and keep those things separate is one I lost very early, so I don't do much of it, or at least, nothing I wouldn't own.
But I do think my online identity in romland is a little different than my identity in RL. I am much friendlier, chattier, more woman-centered, and (I think, at least a little) funnier here.
I think one could, if one was good at acting, adopt an online persona which was rather different from one's real personality. I know there are some internet trolls who create "sock puppets" and multiple identities.
But leaving aside that kind of deliberate deception, online interactions do offer an opportunity to conceal certain things just because if one decides not to mention them, it won't be immediately apparent what your age, sex, skin-colour, body-size, accent etc are. I suppose eventually you might leave enough clues that people would work some of those things out, and in that case, as you say, the online, pseudonymous-you may get closer and closer to the "real" you, albeit operating under a name which keeps certain aspects of your life private. But some people do seem to be able to dig around and discover the real-life identities of pseudonymous bloggers, so there's always a risk of that last mask coming off.
Maybe it's a bit like a masked ball. There are some things which stay the same about you, regardless of the mask, but you may behave slightly differently because of having the protection of the mask.
In addition, people can decide what kind of mask to put on, and we may have different masks, both on- and off-line. I think a lot of people regularly wear slightly different masks for different contexts. For example, how people behave at work may be quite different to how they behave with friends, which may be different again to how they behave when with their parents. Adopting a pseudonym for online use may just be a way of giving a name to one particular version of oneself, which exists alongside all the various off-line personae.
I suspect that certain kinds of blogging will tend to reveal more about a person than others, just as certain masks can be more revealing than others. I don't get a strong impression of the personalities of the reviewers at AAR from their reviews, for example, whereas personal blogs which include statements about the blogger's family life and history are likely to reveal a lot more.
Brilliant post, T.
I think the longer I stay on line, the more apt I am to be quiet about my opinions.
This has less to do with my author presence (oh please) and more to do with the realization that I'm constantly reevaluating my beliefs, and once things are on line--they seem to be set in stone.
XX's--and I like the real you, very much.
LB
Somethings I will comment on, while in regards to other situations I feel it is better if I remain quiet.
Great post!
This was a wonderful blog and is stuff I think about often.
There is always going to be stuff you regret, but to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. That's how you learn and learning is cool. :)
This is a great post! Interesting for a new blogger like me.
I've been around for quite a while, but mainly I've been active in a forum, not blogging. Totally different animal, IMO. I find that the "real me" is present there more so that in my blogging.
I was discussing this subject with a friend recently and told her I am still trying to find my "voice" when it comes to blogging. In RL, I have a raunchy, dry, and sarcastic sense of humor that I know I don't use in my posts or in my reviews.
I love to debate, play "devil's advocate" and see both sides of a POV. AND, I'm super anal when it comes to being fair/unfair to a book or in a review. I'll beat myself to death if I think for some reason I was too easy or too harsh -- I'll analyze it and try to figure out why I feel that way, lol! But I think that's good... it keeps me on my toes.
Like you, I try not to let my moods affect my blogging, but I find it's impossible. I don't know if others can see it, but I certainly can see the difference in my posts and reviews. I'm hoping to find a good balance soon. :)
If you were a book, I'd like to have your book babies!
Thank you for putting into words something I've felt for years.
Well before Karen invited me to guest blog with her, just through comments on other people's blogs, I realized that I cared about keeping my online persona as true to myself as I could.
And that means that I've done my fair share of apologizing too. As LB said, I am constantly re-evaluating my beliefs, which means that I tend (or at least try) to be more careful in how I express myself.
I still don't shut up, though...
"If you were a book, I'd like to have your book babies!"
ROTFLMAO!
*fluttering eyelashes at Jessica*
My blogging identity is pretty much who I am. I have no interest in creating a fictitious online persona. I don't say anything online that I wouldn't say in real life. There's plenty more I'd like to say but have enough sense not to do so!
I try to keep family stuff off the blog. It creeps in more on Twitter but I would never post photos of my children, give their names, or the town we live in.
I blog and tweet under my married name. Everything related to my life in academia and teaching is under my maiden name, which separates the two rather neatly. I would definitely have used a pseudonym had I not had the option to use my husband’s surname as my own is very unusual.
A blogger’s voice is what truly defines a blog. I gravitate towards those I feel are genuine, and I strive for authenticity on my own blog.
Great post!
I have noticed that on LiveJournal, where I have been for years, I tend to be more quotidian in my posts, and more open emotionally (possibly b/c of longstanding relationships with my LJ "friends," many of whom I know in person). But LJ also has the option of restricting posts to certain filtered groups.
Though my situation is different, as I also have to negotiate my "writer" identity.
Sometimes I think my blogging identity is more the real me than my "in-person" persona because it's easier to be more honest. With a few possible exceptions, no one is going to hunt me down or take me aside for a little 'chat' about what I had to say.
That said, being honest in a review when I'm worse off than non-plussed is crushing to me. I literally feeel torn inside, because I think, "what if someone said this about my baby?" and "do I honestly think I could have done this story better?"
It's especially tough when I can confidently answer myself with "yes".
Wonderful, wonderful post!
"When I started blogging I saw it as an escape. It's not really turned out that way. Yes, it's valuable to me, but far from giving me the freedom to 'say anything', it's made me appreciate - more profoundly than I did before - that you own what you say."
Always late to the party but I can't stop thinking about what you said. I have a new sympathy for authors who are being encouraged, nay almost forced to embrace Social Media but yet they're so constrained. There's always a potential Kerfluffle around every corner.
What I really keep thinking is what Julie Roberts said to Hugh Grant in Notting Hill: nude pix of her are flashed all over the front pages of UK rags -- he says what's the big deal, they'll be used to wrap fish tomorrow and she says no, for the rest of my life, every time anyone looks up my name, they'll see those pictures.
Nothing ever dies online. Every post goes to your legacy. Especially people are are entirely public ... gosh that must be hard. To be provocative and interesting and yet step back from the precipice. And as you say, it's not that much different for you because really, being anonymous is not really possible.
When your work/personal/family/friend circles intersect, that can really get complicated.
Not that I have any solutions! Great blog.
I've been out of commission for a few days, but thanks for all your commments and observations!
Jessica - I agree that being snarky is sometimes unavoidable. I remember one book I reviewed that was full of language errors. Any review that ignored that would have been ignoring the elephant in the room.
Laura - I enjoyed your thoughtful comments - there are many ways in which the online medium can be more revealing, or, as you say, allow one hidden part of the self to show. The masks analogy works for me - I think I'll ponder that further.
LB/KB - I hear youse, wise ones.
Sarah - je ne regrette rien? I have a bad habit of dwelling on regrets.
Hilcia - I've noticed other people talking about 'blogging voices' too. It's not something I've consciously aimed for myself but when I think about it, my own favourite bloggers all have quite strong and identifiable voices.
A'lady - right back at you. It's funny how a strong a sense of personality I get from certain bloggers despite never having met them in RL. You are a case in point. You obviously do have lots of opinions and express them freely but you manage to come across as measured and even-tempered.
Sarah T - I do say things online I wouldn't in RL: that I read romance. I am afraid that I am firmly in the closet about that at work and with most of my friends!
Victoria - aha, a third identity!
What'for - yes, again echoing what Laura was saying about revealing what is usually concealed. Interesting.
Janet - yes, and harking back to my public/private post on RRR, blogging to a small readership can give a misleading sense of privacy.
As usual, I'm very, very late to the party.
Tumperkin, you really have such a truly lovely and thoughtful way of putting things.
I think it's a good point. My blog was started because my sister has a vocal condition that didn't allow her to speak above a whisper for more than a year. So she was my main audience. Then, as I spread my wings, I found many of my online friends and have continued to enjoy my blog-life. But my personality IRL is remarkably similar to my online one. I think I'm probably more filtered online, mostly because while I secretly love watching the online kerfuffles, I live in horror of being the target of one. And really, putting a strong opinion out there can be opening yourself up to a battle. And as you say, what we blog seems to live on forever.
You've written a really beautiful post, Tumperkin. I appreciate it.
Wow, I'm really enjoying your blog this morning! Look all that I've missed.
I love reading about how your real life personality creeps into online life. For the record, I find blogger blogger T to be super reasonable and ethical, and original and insightful.
I also love your thought that a blog persona is an extension of one's sense of self, even if it's another self. I suppose even if you're trying to be the opposite of who you are in RL, you are still trotting out a fragment of the self.
What often strikes me is how thin the online self is - without physical presence or history, it's sort of just the sum total of words. It's easier to be damaged, misunderstood, forgotten. Maybe easier to love, too.
Interesting post! I think of my online self as a less frank version of myself. And I'm fairly frank online! I do try to watch what I say, however. Sometimes not carefully enough, sometimes overly so. But I am still me. As you are you!
I fell in love with this blog after reading a post you wrote about your hubby teasing you. Yes, that? So delightful. It really struck a chord with me. You pinpointed this mix of joy and embarrassment we experience as romance readers.
I always appreciate the tidbits you share from your personal life.
Magnificent post!
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